I’m back! You might be wondering where I went. Did I give up? Nope. Did I run out of material? Nope. Did I lose my nerve? That one is a little complicated.

Writing has always been a calling of sorts, grounding me. It helps me find peace and serenity in a tumultuous universe, nurturing a spiritual connection. I started this blog to share lessons learned and experiences that have led to personal growth with others who might benefit – or in the very least be entertained. I opened the door to sharing bits of myself – not necessarily the prettiest ones – with you, the reader in the hopes that you see HOPE when it may appear there is little. However, I’m human. And I’m not perfect. From the beginning, I have endeavored to be genuine and authentically me. However, I still worry about being judged, chided, labeled – you get the picture. Maybe, though, the person doing the judging, chiding, and labeling I should be worried about is myself.

I was forced into a mandated break from writing in early July due to a fall. It was a rather epic one where I managed to hit my head and black out for a few moments. I had spent the weekend in Las Vegas with my husband having a nice visit. It was a 10-hour car ride to get from my home in the suburbs of Denver to the Las Vegas Strip, where we were staying. On the car ride down I occupied myself with plans… lots and lots of plans – for the future, of course. This is a hobby I drift into at times, particularly at times when I have a lot of uncertainty in my life (and a little too much free time.) I had it all figured out – my life – by the last day of our Vegas trip. But then the unexpected happened. (Actually, I don’t know how unexpected it was, particularly. I am not overly graceful and never really have been.) It was hot, as July in Vegas is wont to be. And I was tired. With one missed step, all my plans for a glorious summer of game changing personal development and accomplishments got put on hold. My “PAUSE” button got pushed.

Back home, I tried to carry on life as usual for the first week or two, which I don’t remember, but I have a vague recollection that I tried. I was operating in a state of denial. This continued for about 3 or 4 weeks, so my doctor referred me to a neurologist. I asked the neurologist, “Your best guess, how long is this going to take to recover from?” He didn’t even pause when he responded nine months. To my credit I made it out to the car before I started crying. Because a nine-month recovery window wasn’t in my plans for the summer. I HAD THINGS TO DO! This was going to be the summer I fixed it all and got my whole life figured out! In desperation I asked my husband, who had gone to the appointment with me, if he thought the doctor might have been joking. Nope. I cried a little harder and did the whole “Woe is me” thing (bad habit that I am still given to at times) the rest of the ride home.

A friend had the unfortunate luck of calling shortly after I got home. I was brooding and lamenting. She reminded me of how long 9 months had seemed when I first quit drinking. And how I had, in the Spring of this year, reached the five-year mark and in hindsight it seemed to breeze by. She gently suggested that I take it a day at a time, as was suggested in my journey to find sobriety and in the plan for living I had chosen to adopt. That suggestion and reminder yanked me back out of my future catastrophizing, my lamenting of my past accident and focused on taking care of what I needed to at the moment – which was my well-being in hopes of getting my serenity back.

It’s not been an easy couple of months. It’s been quite frustrating. It’s forced me to rely on some skills that needed some more practice – for example relying on others, asking for help when I need to and accepting proffered help. In other words, I got handed a giant lesson in HUMILITY. It has forced me to practice things like “SELF-CARE” (and sitting in dark rooms with no noise for long periods of time.) I had to limit my exposure to things like cellphones, computers and tv, all of which triggered headaches. And I couldn’t function well enough or sit in front of a computer to work on this blog, which had been gaining its stride. The blog had been cathartic. It was giving me purpose. But it was going to have to wait. Problematically I had a lot of things I could’ve blogged about, just no ability at that juncture of my life. But now, while not completely healed, I am on the mend. So, I’m going to attempt to commence with blogging again. Confession time – I’ve been well enough for a week or two. But the many weeks I had spent getting to the point where I was somewhat better had lent itself to a fair amount of isolation. Isolation is not good for me. Left alone inside my own thoughts for too long with nothing to do but sit in a dark room in absolute silence and ruminate had not done good things to my psyche. It had chipped away at my confidence and filled me with self-doubt. I started second guessing all my choices I had made over the months preceding my accident and I was filled with fear. It immobilized me and gave me this odd sick, nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I’ve realized that my biggest critic is myself. I have spent years tearing myself down. Honestly, no one has been meaner and less supportive of me than ME at times. One of the many things I’ve worked on over the years is being more trusting of myself, more accepting of myself, being more kind to myself, and being more loving of myself. This blog was born from that work I had done. The concussion threw a hiccup in my practice of those things. I was told several years back to try and do all things with LOVE and KINDNESS. That’s a challenge. However, it’s easier to practice those ideals towards others than it is towards myself at times. Maybe I just need more practice. I’m sure that with the ups and downs that are the nature of living life I will have ample opportunity to practice. So perhaps this blog is to some degree about me developing some acceptance towards myself, practicing kindness towards myself, and loving myself (despite my flaws.)

Ok, ready to press Play again and resume (till the next Pause.)