*SPOILER ALERT* – there is NO recipe.  I would give it to you if I could.  I know, initially I too was disappointed when I realized this.  I’ve learned to recreate it to the best of my ability, but it may not be a perfect replica.  I’ve made it my own.

Over the years, one easy way we’ve found to entertain is hot dogs.  To this end, we purchased an industrial-strength hot dog roller, the likes of which is found in mini-marts everywhere.  It allows us to mingle, converse with our guests and enjoy the event, since we aren’t tending to a grill.   However, mere hot dogs are not enough, even when prepared on the impressive roller.  I found something lacking and it wasn’t hard to figure out what it was.  Those dogs needed chili!  I love chili dogs – love, love, love them, and my dad has always made the best chili with which to top dogs.  So, I was excited when he offered to show me how he makes it.  What made this father/daughter moment even more special was when my Dad informed me that this wasn’t his recipe, it’s how his mother made chili when he was growing up.  I was having something truly timeless passed down to me – a family heirloom!

I grabbed my paper, pen and apron, eager to start cooking AND documenting.  First off, we browned the ground beef.  I made note of it on my notepad, intent on catching each step.  As my father would add new ingredients, I would attempt to measure each one and note it.  However, my plans to make note of each ingredient started to go awry.  Dad did something that was undermining my results.  He was sampling, and then making unmeasured adjustments – “to taste”.  Then he had me start doing it. I kept forgetting to measure what I was throwing in the pot, completely immersed in the moment.  At the end of our efforts I was left with that legendary chili, however, I also had an inaccurate recipe.  How would I ever duplicate these efforts?

Over the span of my life, I’ve struggled heavily with perfectionism.  However, I didn’t always have a name for this problem.  It was about 20 years ago, in a therapy session, when this fact was brought to my attention.  As a way of dealing with a diagnosis from my early twenties, I had sought out a counselor.  Well, I got something out of it, that’s for sure!  One of the pearls of wisdom that was revealed was that I was a “PERFECTIONIST”.  It put some of my prior life challenges in perspective.  For example, when Sister Ignatius in the 8th grade told my parents I was bright but “lazy”, she might have been onto something .  However, I wonder if in her wise words, she had an inkling as to what was driving the “laziness”.  Even at that young age, it was my way that If I couldn’t do something perfectly, I procrastinated or didn’t even try.  Why even attempt something faced with the possibility that the result could turn out subpar? 

Saddled with this “perfectionism” diagnosis I felt enlightened and self-aware.  However, I chose not to do anything about it beyond use it as an excuse.  It’s only over the last few years, that I’ve attempted to stop with the excuses and start looking for and living in the solution.  For me, the solution lies in attempting things (especially those at which I might not excel), giving myself credit for trying, looking for lessons in my mistakes and continuing to move in a forward direction in my imperfect life.

Now when I make Grandma’s chili, I realize that I may never be able to make it the same way.  It probably doesn’t taste exactly like Dad’s (or Grandma’s) chili.  However, I make the chili, adjust to taste, and own it as my chili.    And I’ve accidentally flubbed it a few times by adding too much or too little of some ingredient.  A couple of times I’ve even been missing an ingredient and had to make a substitution.  It’s been on the bland, unremarkable side and it been on the spicy, “I’m-going-to-need-something-to-wash-this-down-with” side of the spectrum.  However, as I’ve been making the chili, I’ve noticed that it’s starting to get more consistent and better because I learn from my mistakes and continue to practice making it.  However, it will never be perfect, and I’ve accepted that.

I’ve come to believe that there is no recipe for the perfect life.  I accept the fact that my life is riddled with imperfections, one of which is yours truly.   It’s that acceptance of my own imperfections, I’ve learned, which has helped turn me into who I am today, allowing me to grow and learn.  With that acceptance, I plug along making attempts, practicing, not giving up and giving myself permission to not be perfect or do things perfectly.  If I was still mired in perfectionism, no one would be reading this because I probably would never have written it, too worried if it was “perfect”, or reworking it and messing with it to get it “perfect”.  I still struggle, but it’s getting easier to welcome even the fails, learn from them and move on.  I have hope that if I continue to practice and make attempts, my perfectionism will stay in check, I’ll continue to grow, learn, write, and hopefully my chili will keep getting better!